a christmas letter to al gore
Dear Mr. Gore;
I am 8 years old. Some of my little friends say there is no global warming. Papa says, "If Al Gore says something, it's true, except for those little white lies about the internet and the Buddhist temple. Please tell me the truth. Is there really global warming?
Virginia O Hanlon
Dear Virginia;
Your little friends are wrong. They have been affected by a vast right wing conspiracy led by the evil George Bush, Dick Cheney, Karl Rove, and FOX News. They do not believe except what can be proven scientifically. They think that anything springing from the imagination of a failed liberal presidential candidate simply can't be true, so their little conservative minds reject it. All conservative minds, Virginia, are little. Principled conservatives are bound by obsolete limits like facts, logic and reason, so they are incapable of the liberal flights of fancy that make being a liberal so fun.
Yes, Virginia, there is global warming. It exists just as surely as Jack Frost exists, although Mr Frost will soon be "sleeping with the fishes" due to the coming climate changes, if you know what I mean. Global warming is coming just as sure as the Easter Bunny comes each year. Global warming exists as surely as fantasy and imagination and make-believe exist, and you know how important those principles are to the political agenda of a liberal! Alas, how dreary the life of a liberal would be if there was no global warming! It would be as dreary as if there were no hanging chads. There would be no childlike faith then, no poetry, no romance to make tolerant this existence. Have you ever seen any pictures of Tipper? What's a guy supposed to do? The external light with which child-like beliefs fill the world would be extinguished.
Not believe in global warming! You might as well not believe that the 2000 election was stolen by a crooked Supreme Court! You can haul out all of the scientific studies you want that debunk the myth of global warming, but what would that prove? Nobody with an IQ over 50 has seen Elvis lately, either, but does that prove that Elvis is dead? Certainly not! The most real things in the world are those things dreamed up in the mind of a liberal. Did you ever see fairies dancing on the lawn (outside of San Francisco, I mean)? Of course not, but that doesn't prove they aren't there!
You tear apart the baby's rattle and see what makes the noise inside, but there is a veil covering the unseen world which not the conservative, nor even the united strength of all the strongest conservatives that ever lived could ever tear apart. Only faith, poetry, love, and romance, as interpreted by the liberal, can push aside that curtain and view and picture the supernatural beauty and glory of a political agenda based on global warming. Is it all real? Ah, Virginia, in all this world there is nothing else real and abiding.
No global warming? Thank God (or whoever your diety of choice is)! Global warming is alive, and lives forever! A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay 10 times 10,000 years from now, global warming will continue to make glad the heart of a power hungry liberal.
Al Gore
I am 8 years old. Some of my little friends say there is no global warming. Papa says, "If Al Gore says something, it's true, except for those little white lies about the internet and the Buddhist temple. Please tell me the truth. Is there really global warming?
Virginia O Hanlon
Dear Virginia;
Your little friends are wrong. They have been affected by a vast right wing conspiracy led by the evil George Bush, Dick Cheney, Karl Rove, and FOX News. They do not believe except what can be proven scientifically. They think that anything springing from the imagination of a failed liberal presidential candidate simply can't be true, so their little conservative minds reject it. All conservative minds, Virginia, are little. Principled conservatives are bound by obsolete limits like facts, logic and reason, so they are incapable of the liberal flights of fancy that make being a liberal so fun.
Yes, Virginia, there is global warming. It exists just as surely as Jack Frost exists, although Mr Frost will soon be "sleeping with the fishes" due to the coming climate changes, if you know what I mean. Global warming is coming just as sure as the Easter Bunny comes each year. Global warming exists as surely as fantasy and imagination and make-believe exist, and you know how important those principles are to the political agenda of a liberal! Alas, how dreary the life of a liberal would be if there was no global warming! It would be as dreary as if there were no hanging chads. There would be no childlike faith then, no poetry, no romance to make tolerant this existence. Have you ever seen any pictures of Tipper? What's a guy supposed to do? The external light with which child-like beliefs fill the world would be extinguished.
Not believe in global warming! You might as well not believe that the 2000 election was stolen by a crooked Supreme Court! You can haul out all of the scientific studies you want that debunk the myth of global warming, but what would that prove? Nobody with an IQ over 50 has seen Elvis lately, either, but does that prove that Elvis is dead? Certainly not! The most real things in the world are those things dreamed up in the mind of a liberal. Did you ever see fairies dancing on the lawn (outside of San Francisco, I mean)? Of course not, but that doesn't prove they aren't there!
You tear apart the baby's rattle and see what makes the noise inside, but there is a veil covering the unseen world which not the conservative, nor even the united strength of all the strongest conservatives that ever lived could ever tear apart. Only faith, poetry, love, and romance, as interpreted by the liberal, can push aside that curtain and view and picture the supernatural beauty and glory of a political agenda based on global warming. Is it all real? Ah, Virginia, in all this world there is nothing else real and abiding.
No global warming? Thank God (or whoever your diety of choice is)! Global warming is alive, and lives forever! A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay 10 times 10,000 years from now, global warming will continue to make glad the heart of a power hungry liberal.
Al Gore
posted by hondo at 7:54 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home